Salutations my Ol' Three Faithful Readers!
As I had my Doritos and a 2L bottle of Coke while contemplating into my own soul I realized that promising to make dialy posts is a heavy toll on me based on two basic problems: I run out of ideas and... how should I put it... *shakes fist* BAH! I won't beat around the bush, because I get lazy. So I make a promise to start making my posts on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. Of course, if there ever is something of great cosmic significance worth writing about during any of the other days, I will promptly do so. For now I shall leave it at an MWF schedule.
In other news! A few days ago I was speaking over my cellphone with the Pretty Audio Assistant when the phone's connection dropped off. Obviously this upset me very much to the point of yelling random insults at fellow drivers - driving and speaking through the cellphone... not a recommended activity. Aside from the fact I was talking to Her - and no one can deny the delicacies of having a conversation with such a Pretty Girl -; the fact that I can barely make a call from my cell without it losing its signal is completely annoying. Yeah yeah, I know I have dropped it quite a few times against the cold, hard pavement; so... yeah, maybe it actually is my fault...
No wait, it is not. They should make more resistant phones for today's fast, active and extreme activities we humans must endure. I even think it is a merketing ploy if you ask me: make electronic devices more prone to damage when they fall hence increasing sales because stupid people like myself have to buy new devices quite often. But since you did not ask me, I won't say it.
Needless to say, after breaking the Pretty Audio Assistant's heart and being scolded for "hanging up on her," I decided against my all my will to buy a new cell that actually works. Why against my will you humbly ask? That is an easy one to answer: I hate being locatable. I like my privacy. From time to time I like to go to a quiet place with no one but my own intimacy, my thoughts and an ice cold Coke. People lived centuries without mobile phones, so I do not think me turning off my cell will be an universe altering event. I know your reply: "What if there is a problem at *insert random place here*? How can we contact you?" Simple. You do not.
Unless I want to be found.
Let me tell you a short story - thought nothing is short in this blog - about a boy... or girl, whatever pleases your perverted mind, who suddenly has a surge of diarrhea - no relation to me - and has to run to the bathroom. Chaos ensures. Toxic gases fill the air. Roaring explosions take place in that safe piece of heaven known as toilet. Suddenly there is a small vibration in this person's pants accompanied by a ring tone. At first there's confusion; maybe it was not actually the cell ringing but an aftershock of such liquid, belly-quaking activities. After the pocket vibrates a second time and the ringing raises its volume comes disbelief; when our jolly hero thinks that such situation is not actually taking place for it is the kind of thing that only happens in movies and not in real life. There is a brief pause followed by a deafening silence that lasts for what seems an eternity as our protagonist holds his posterior cheeks together in fear. Silence... nothing...
Third ring, the volume now at full throttle piercing through the eardrums of every person standing 20 feet from the toilet; the vibration now almost makes a hole through the pant's pocket. Our hero realizes it is actually happening. With a sudden and new found rush of adrenaline he/she had not felt since the race against time to reach the toilet before horrors took place in his/her posterior behind, the person reaches for the cell in the pocket. The fourth vibration almost tears the phone off the hero's hand, but he/she is able to finally grasp it and answers it. Here's the conversation that follows:
Hero.- (Reluctant) "Hello?"
Random person.- "Hey there! I'm having a problem with my homework, I was wondering if you could help me with..."
*fart and splashing sounds*
RP.- "... are you... uuuh... busy?"
H.- "..." (Dies of embarrassment)
'Nuff said. So forgive the World's Biggest Asshole if his cellphone is off. Maybe you did not want to know where I am.
3 comments:
2:36 AM
.i have versatile solutions for your issues with cellphones, first turn off the damn phone whenever you want its supossed to make YOUR life easy not somebody elses so if you feel like being on your own screw the world when you need it youll use it, second if youre in the toilet just dont answer the damn phone if you have to answer because the ringing is annoying then put in silence mode and there you go, now i must ask two questions why do your posts always end up being about your hairy ass and your excrement? and did you notice yo broke your own mwf schedule by posting on thursday the 11th?
8:06 AM
But if you notice, it's on thursday 12:36am. But Blogger uses Eastern Time, so if you extrapolate that to my city, which is Central Time, it's actually Wednesday 11:36pm.
And because going to the bathroom is an activity we all humans can relate to, since we've all gone at least once in our lifetime.
11:22 PM
Now, I can surely relate to that. But let's take a minute to remember all those people that have to eat a thousand All-Bran bars to take a dump just once a week. Our thoughts and prayers to the constipated ones...
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